life, death, and exams

One month ago a friend and housemate committed suicide. You guys would have liked him. On the first week of uni he stripped naked and ran around our house for no apparent reason other than to make us laugh. I miss him every day. His death has shaken the very foundations of my happiness, and for those of you who know me you will understand that happiness is who i am not just something i feel.

BUT he is not gone. I know this. The universe wastes nothing, nothing ever disappears without a trace, nature does not know extinction, merely transformation. I spoke to him outloud today for the first time and realised for the first time since his death that things will be ok.

This may seem like a strange place to write this but i want everyone who sees this to realise something about life. I want you to tell everyone who is important to you that you love them. Do it now. Please. The last time i saw Matt was a few days before he died and i gave him a hug and told him i loved him and i would miss him because he was leaving the next day to go home for a while. I didn't know he wouldn't be coming back, and I'm so happy that was the last thing i said to him.

Want to let you know that i love you all. To everyone i have met, you made such a difference to my life, i wouldn't be the person i am today without so many of you casaites! The casa left its print on my heart and i hope my print is still running around the casa catching mice :) and all of you who i am yet to meet, i love you too because if you are reading this you are the kind of person i want to have in my life!

The last month has been a test of my character, as i am currently in the middle of my exams aswell, and for anyone thinking about taking a law degree,just to warn you, ITS SO FECKING HARD!! This is literally the hardest thing i have ever had to do. If i manage to come out of all this with my sanity (as much as i ever had) and a pass i will be practically indestructable. I feel so strong just for getting this far.


alisonshine's picture

Thank you for all your

Thank you for all your comments. I did it. My last exam was on monday. I survivded the hardest challenge i have ever faced, both academically and emotionally and not only that but i have come out smiling.

My exams went well, and i am finally ready to come to terms with what has happened. Matt will never leave my thoughts, he is still in the universe, his energy is not lost and that makes me smile.

I love you all for your strength and support now and always. I am hoping to come to the casa during the summer, around August time, I hope there will be some friendly faces around then :) I'll let you know closer to the time when i hope to come, i'm hitching to finland for the rainbow gathering i think so will hopefully swing by on my way back!

Sending lashings of good energy, hugs and big love to all. Thank you again x

valentina's picture

You are passing the toughest exam life will put you in front of

When I read your post, on the same day you wrote it, I cried.

So many of your feelings resembled mine. so many times and for so many different people, I cry and I feel life being nourished by these tears.

Nobody likes to talk about death. None. It scares us as something we know exist and we want to ignore.

yet is there. in my smile and in the happiness of my hugs. in my love for life and in my fears. as something that simply exist, as much as rainbows.

I wish I could explain more what death means to me, and how much affects my life on daily basis, but sometimes there are no words that can communicate. like sometimes there are things we cannot see but we need to sense.
I wait to hug you tight.

I love you. All.

Katherine's picture

Wow this really made my heart

Wow this really made my heart hurt.I have been lucky so far in life not to loose someone very close to me, yet. But I admire all of your strength in remaining positive after things like these happen.Hugssss

robino's picture

another tear searching for a way towards acceptance

It takes courage to write this story and this is also why I admire you Alison! I hope you and friends found good ways of dealing with your friend's decision in a collective way, as talking about this together really helps to understand your feelings.

We had a similar experience in the casa more than a year ago when we learned that we would never see Aris back again. That was a very difficult experience for many. We spoke a lot about this together, and sometimes we still do. We also wrote about it here on the website, but not before personally contacting most people who knew her.

Last week at the travel filmfestival in Berlin I was reminded again about how difficult these situations can be, when Annick was giving a talk about female traveling and I was thrown back into my emotions of fear of loosing yet again another person. I asked her how to deal with that and the answers she gave were very similar also to yours.

I was reminded again how important it is to indeed let those people who are close to you, or who give meaning to your life, to share love with them when you can, and to let them know - whenever you can - how much you appreciate them. Thanks for writing that down.

Looking forward very much to see you again. Hope we won't miss each other again, like the last two times :)

Wish you all the best & much care, love.

Jass's picture

My best friend died late last

My best friend died late last year, just before I got to casa for the first time.
Hold strong. So strange I haven't met you yet as even my younger brother has stayed with you..
waste nothing! be everything

dcarpano's picture

I am sorry to hear about you

I am sorry to hear about you loss, a few weeks ago I got the same news about a friend of mine from back home. I was not able to say good-bye to him before I left, and it really bothers me that the last time I saw him I took it for granted that I would see him again.

Experiences like this make us stronger though, and teach us a few things about life. In the end, as you said, nothing is destroyed. Your friends energy is still with us, as are the energies of my friend, and all of the other before us who have passed on.

Everyone who reads this, especially ms. sunshine: I love you, and send you a mega-hug!