Casa Robino

As it is done now, can it only go better ?The whole thing hit me on my way down. My usual ups and downs are not related to outside events, but they can be exacerbated by stress. And I suppose I have experienced some (di-)stress lately. So my whole dark palette of feelings is painting my world blue.I'm not well. I feel worthless. I feel ugly and undesirable. I feel needy and annoying. I feel slutty and abused. I feel like a child, I need to shout: "Why the hell did you do this?" But all I would hear back in echo. All I would hear back is betrayal.And I know these feelings are not gonna last. I know they will fade. I won't forget your name right away. But I started forgetting the nice times we had. I started to blur you in my memories. I don't have time nor strength to waste on hating someone - therefore I must forget or forgive. In this specific case, forgetting would be more reasonable. Then I'll have this blog post to remind me.So I eventually cried, 10 minutes ago. The abandon, the weird dreams I had lately. The desire to love and to be loved. The feeling I could never fall in love with you because you don't inspire me. The fact that I am a reasonable person. The fact that my life is all exposed and lived on the Internet. Kilimandjaro with Bernard next year. The child that I will never bear. My dog that I miss so much - that I gave up along with a sedentary lifestyle. My life in Trois-Rivières. My old car, "Heart of gold".It made me imagine myself, lonely in the middle of a crowd. The last time I got really angry, in Switzerland, in front of a guy I helplessly loved. Now I'm lonely in the middle of the tundra, under a full moon and an aqsarniit. And I'm angry again and I don't like myself that way. So I get sad and sob and forget and blur it.So many people deserve to be loved on this planet. But I just can't love someone who doesn't inspire me.It was contaminated, it got mouldy, it expired.And this time, I won't dumpster dive.