Today I wrote to a friend..."Last week I hitched to Denmark because my friend was getting married there. Nobody seemed to be able to make it on a Thursday so our host and I were witnesses. Then we hit the road spontaneously to Bremen and organized a party at a common friend's place. We watched the shooting stars from the roof. I complained about him. Things were not really great, you know. We had very exhausting fights every week-end since I moved in. Most of the problems came from lifestyle differences. Using a clothes dryer (first I ever seen in Europe) even if it's sunny outside (well, I don't mind paying for the electricity, and it's more convenient because I'm lazy). That was the first fight and degenerated twice. I thought it was laughable to have fights like this, but it was symptomatic of our differences. It was like we spoke a different language, too. I was asking questions, and he was giving different answers (a cultural thing). He got annoyed at me for a lot of things too - apparently I interrupted him constantly (makes me now tremble when I realize I interrupt someone), but he never made me realize I was doing it when I was, so it always came much after and I couldn't really improve. The worst fight came when I went to pick up vegetables lying on the ground when people were wrapping up the market. There were a few peppers and courgettes and he told me:"What are you doing! I'm uncomfortable, let's go away" Fine, we left. Then I asked him what was his problem with it, and he answered me things like you have to pay for food or get it given, if you get it on the ground it's not okay, because it belongs to poor people and he has money to pay, so we shouldn't take that food away from the poor people.Now, I don't earn money. What is a poor person? And when the market is wiped clean by the machines, it's certainly not sent to poor people. I wanted to argue that, but he was just reacting emotionally. I suggested we watch a movie together about Dumpster Diving and he said: no, I'm not interested. Then I said I was going to show him how I cut the vegetables so that there is no bad part we eat. He said he refused to eat the vegetables, even if they were good, as a matter of principle. Then he said what he always says to shut the discussion: it's a matter of choice, it's my choice so it's alright and there is no more to discuss.After that fight, I said I couldn't live with him and thought about leaving. But after a few days I was feeling better and stayed. But when I was in Bremen watching the stars and complaining, I did not see a way out either. I had started thinking about Taylor my virtual lover again (I do that when I need to escape) and crawled in parallel worlds again.The night after there was a mid-month meeting in Bremen and we went. It was great, all my friends from Bremen were there, and friends of friends had been told on Facebook that we would be there. There was a fire show and we had a great time.There was a guy that when I saw him I felt immediately moved toward him. I went to sit at the opposite side of the table, but there was no chair - I sat on my friend's wife. I ate flowers, I had fun. I think I had some sort of "At first sight" thingie for him. The morning after, a colleague of my boyfriend was in Bremen at a friend's place so we surprised her by organizing a breakfast there. She had contacted the cute guy too and I had him invited there too. At the end he suggested him and I go to a ska-punk festival in the woods. I wanted to go but I said no because it made no sense to go - I needed to be back in Groningen Sunday afternoon to test the scavenger hunt circuit...But he said we should exchange numbers in case I wanted to stay in Bremen, I accepted. I went for a nap and it was too late to hitch back to Groningen when I woke up. I texted him and he said we could meet by the train station, and so we did.Earlier in the day, my boyfrienf suggested we talk about having an open couple. I wasn't ready to talk about it. I said I didn't need it now. I didn't want to talk about it having someone in mind, and not via chat. I felt a bit trapped by the discussion and felt uneasy.But I went to that festival. I was so tired.. But I danced and had a great time. We set a tent and watched the shooting starts and talked about our lives and dreams. We kept on interrupting each other, BOTH :) At some time in the crowd, he grabbed my hand and I let him do it. He looked like a shy guy, but for once, I wasn't talking much. I was asking him a lot of questions. I was listening.At some point when we were lying down, I turned to him and kissed him. He was very surprised but seemed quite happy about it. It didn't take much time for him to start endlessly kissing me.I was a bit puzzled about what to do - I said I wouldn't leave my boyfriend. We agreed not to think about these things, the future and stuff. We had a lot of fun. We slept cozy in the tent. Did we sleep? We did not have sex, but the whole night was very tender. We wanted to freeze time. I think we even succeeded at some point.Well, the morning brought a different perspective - we were tired and acting emotionally. I didn't want to leave but had to. We took a lot of time before leaving. I let him talk. We walked together. He was cycling back, I had to hitch. We hoped to see each other again, he cried 2 tears because he was really tired. I decided to go back, but got too late for the committed appointment. But the boyfriend had forgotten about it and was fighting via emails with the other participants, so I didn't get a blame.I went to sleep a bit, then joined him at a BBQ. We left much later than what we agreed first, and we cycled back instead of walking like I had hoped. I wanted to talk with him. I felt so home in Bremen at my friend's place, I felt so little home in Groningen - I made no friends here in a month - compared to Istanbul, this is quite crazy. Maybe we should get a cat? He didn't want a pet. I felt lonely. I decided to tell him about what had happened. Everybody seems to be cheating on him, the so-called good guy... But all the decisions he makes are those of a lonely egoistical man, and even living here with him, I felt more like a dishwasher than a girlfriend. I wanted us to change this. And since I'm better than the exes, I decided to tell him right away what happened so we can work things out.But... in Switzerland, I said I would never cheat on him. 3 times in a row. I think I stressed out that I would tell him if there was anything. Maybe I thought right after or right before - the thing is that I wasn't going to be insincere. But I had forgotten that the way I said it meant I just wouldn't do it. I would work things out with him before.We went in a bath and started talking. I told him I made out with someone else. He got really angry but didn't move. He then told me I had to leave, and that I had two weeks to go away because he doesn't want to kick me out. Then he went to bed. I was a bit surprised and cried a lot for the next days.I still cry a bit. I started cooking all the food I bought here and that he doesn't really eat - beans, basically. I don't eat much - good, I wanted to lose some weight. I exchanged an email with the Bremen guy - I did not tell him the consequences of what happened, I don't want him to save me...But it means I'm back on the road."
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